self study, self inquiry = Svadhyaya

One of my favorite things about yoga is that it allows ourselves to turn inward and feel without judgement.  Leaving a class feeling elated and free is something I experience often, but other days  more difficult feelings arise.  Handstands are a long shot for me at this point and I know one day I'll get there, or not, but I do remember feeling inadequate and lost in class. And yes, I've even cried through difficult hip opening classes.  Through the practice of yoga our bodies instinctivly turn contemplative and it's at this moment that our hearts soften.

For many years, more than I care to admit (19) I've been angry.  Mainly upset or angry at my mother, at the fact that I've never loved my job,  that I allowed myself to become overweight, that I got married too young, that my wardrobe sucks, and that I have bunions. You name it, I've been angry about it.  So much that this anger has debilitated me from making new friends or from trying fun things that I know I would love, like Tango dancing.  Recently, about a week ago, I realized my anger is so deep within that I can almost feel it climb up the left side of my body.  Yep, I'm that in tune with my body, just like my grandma. 

Then something really amazing happened during a yoga teacher training day.  We picked a partner and did an excersize called "unveiling the mask."  First, it involved our partner giving us a facial masage from the inside of our mouth, then when you think it couldn't get any stranger, our partner gently, with proper lube and gloves, inserted their pinky finger into our nostril and held it there as it slowly moved its' way into the nasal cavity. (thanks Jen!)

This was uncomfortable.  This was painful.  I wanted out.  But instead, I stayed there and confronted this feeling.  It felt like jalapeno peppers in my nose and I wondered what the hell was going on.  The first nostril I couldn't relax so I resisted the entire time; it was my left side, the angry side.  Then the right nostril was easier because instead of resisting, I surrendered and allowed my body and breath to harmonize.  At this moment a shift occurred. I didn't know how to think or feel, I only knew how to be present and how to be human, filled with anger, happiness, guilt, and frustration all at once.  Could I just be?  I think this moment just impacted life in a major way.

Fast forward to present day and I am still aware of this shift.  Maybe it was forgiveness, I really can't tell you right now. But, I know I felt my heart soften.  I know I felt kind and for once in my life I was able to let it all go. When things go bad at work I remember this.  My heart can be open and it's not going to kill me.  It makes me a better person for myself, my husband, dog & cat, my boss, and whoever else I come in contact with.  Now I realize how much courage it takes to open your heart, to allow others to see the softness that we so frequently guard and protect out of fear or anger.